Nothing Else Matters

goodbye

Thu, 15 Jun 2006 21:57:05 GMT

so for now i'll say goodbye pittsburgh.
and hello world.

my problems that you might not of noticed:
i hate when people tell me they'll do something and then don't
it seriously could make me go phsycho. i'm totally not kidding. it's scarey and it scares me.
i hate when people say they won't do something and then they do it.
i hate when people are shady.
i hate when i give people second chances and they fuck up again
and i hate how i always give in to give them more and more.
i hate how i know i've done things wrong but then when i'm talking about someone
who did something RECENT they come back and shove my past in my face.
yes. past when i'm talking about the recent.
i hate myself

i have the worst case of low self esteem and confidence
no one seems to notice.
i literally hate myself and i've told myself serveral times how ugly i am
and how i wish i were dead.
it's a serious thing.
and sometimes i think to myself why would i be in a relationship?
my self confidence is so low and i think the worst things of myself
to the point that every girl i see i'm like...
"do i need to be more like them? do you want me to be like that?
do you like that better? should i get that pierced? do you think that's hot?
you staring at your girlfriend?
it's bad.
i've never been like this before and i don't know why i'm like this now.
it's killing me.
i can hardly eat.
i eat so much when i'm bored but like
if something happends before i eat...
that makes my nerves go haywire i won't eat. and i won't eat for hours.
i hate everything about my body. everything except my smile. but then again many people all me a horse and so on so i really don't know. so that only leaves...my toes? but then people have said that they're too long. then it's my butt. but i think it's just all fucking FAT. then there is my legs. i know they're too big. they rub together and just go straight into my ass [making my ass look huge] but anyways. some people have said they like them...but i don't. i don't like anything about myself. i wish i was someone totally different.

life is going to be so hard.
i've had so much stress on me lately
from literally everyone
every single person i've ever met.
it's killing me...slowly.

my syst is killing me. when i bend over i could cry. this morning i coughed and i felt like someone stabbed me right there in my side.

-_- i hate when people don't listen to me.
anyways.
that's enough bitching for now.
parents don't want me
friends don't want me
who does.

i never feel good enough. ever.

i hate people who smoke weed and drink -_-

?

Wed, 07 Jun 2006 20:38:46 GMT

it seems that when i lose one thing

i lose it all

?

the little things

Tue, 30 May 2006 14:50:38 GMT

do something little for me
show me your always thinking about me:]

work tonight
rick's tomorrow
rick's thursday
dad comes friday
dad leaves saturday
rick's sunday
rick's monday
rick's tuesday
rick's wednesday
rick's thursday
rick's friday
rick's saturday
rick's sunday
rick's monday
rick's tuesday
rick's wednesday
are you getting tired yet
rick's thursday
rick's friday
rick's saturday
actually his mom probably won't let me stay there for part of the summer, so i don't know where i'll be. but i'll be trying to spend all the time i can with rick♥
i want to go back to his grandpap's house. it's so cute there! i really enjoyed this weekend and it kinda hurts inside that i had to go back home. i didn't want to and rick's mom made me feel so welcomed there. she's such a beautiful person, on the inside and out. i actually think she's one of the prettiest mom's i've ever seen. i remember sunday night on the way to pick her up with rich and his kids. she was standing outside of rich's house and she walked up to rick's truck and she looked so pretty! i really like her new hair! i asked rick last night how much roses are; he probably thinks i'm getting him some but i'm not. "i got to watch my money." instead i wanted to get her four roses. one for each night she kept me at her house and kept my parents off my back. she didn't do it for that reason but...that's what she helped out with and it felt so nice to be free. when i went home last night my parents didn't speak one word to me. they didn't even ask how my time was, because like i always tell everyone, "they don't care." i don't need much; a place to sleep and a place to feel welcomed. a place to make friends and a place to respect. i'd help clean i always have and always will. when i stayed with kari i would scrub the bathtub and help out with dishes and cook kari lunch and dinner♥. i just want some place to have fun but yet respect the people around me; because the respect me. i just don't feel like my parents respect me at all; even though i tried so hard through highschool. i honestly feel like they don't like me at all. they don't talk to me, the only time they would or do is if they want something or if they want to bitch. that's the way it's always been. things will be good but then they go shitty because they have a bad day and take it out on me so i get pissy and yell and it's just one big fight. i was actually happy to see my mom yesturday, through everything she's said to me and done. she walked through the back door and i bundled up on the couch all excited and smiled big and said, "how's the party going?" and she just stommped by and said, "i don't want to talk to you right now." so i just frowned and kept watching t.v. when i got home from rick's they were gone and i had called to see where they were. they didn't answer their cell phones so i called again and they still didn't answer. mom finally called and acted all FAKE and NICE on the phone but then when she had gotten home to change clothes and go back she didn't say a word except the fact she didn't want to talk to me. she didn't invite me to go up to the party or anything. they don't want me around period. it's so lame. i don't feel welcomed in my OWN DAMN HOUSE!

i love you rick

memorial day

Mon, 29 May 2006 15:18:22 GMT

this weekend has been so wonderful.
friday night rick and i went to the acid face show @ mr. smalls.
i've never been there before and it was nice to finally go; also being with rick the first time was of course nice.
then i spent the night at his house.
saturday we woke up and i went to his vocal lessons again and after we got back home we finished packing for camp. it was sooooOoo cute up there. i adore it. i was so sick though -_- i felt so bad because i think rick was bogged down taking care of me and i really wanted to run around and have an awesome time. we watched his new iron maiden dvd and dumb and dumber. his mom and rich came up later on that night and we all slept there. sunday morning we got up and took showers and ate some breakfast then we went fishin for a few minutes then packed up and left.
sunday we pretty much just hung out then went to the chinesse buffet:] i love it there. then rich and everyone were going to the drive in!!! i'd never been to one of those before; but. when we got there all the good shows were sold out:[ and on the way home rich's car broke down and we had to ride everyone back to his house in rick's daddy's truck :[[
it was nice riding in the car with his mom and talking:] i think she's so cool and sweet!
today we woke up and his momma made me EGGS IN A BASKET! i haven't had those since i lived in roanoke! ♥
it's been so nice staying here...it's kinda sad that i have to leave.
rick and i are going to try to make it to the mall today before he has to work.

happy four month baby♥

goodbye.

Fri, 26 May 2006 14:50:55 GMT

well today is my official last day of being taught anything in seneca valley schools

i was thinking about comming all next week just to be with rick but i really don't know if seniors are allowed to be here or not. i don't see why we couldn't.

this year has gone by so quickly.

i was just laying in this chs web design room, on the floor thinking about so many things:

mainly how beautiful rick is. haha yeah it's a weird thing to be thinking about on my last day of school but hey i can't help it. seriously i have never had so much fun with a boy before. even when we were friends things were so cool. i love being able to be myself and i love being able to have so much fun. he takes such good care of me and treats me to so much. i also was thinking how great his body is. like last night just laying with him was so amazing just being able to touch his body and him being mine is the best thing ever. he's so PERFECT i'm not even kidding.

my step dad will probably read this and yell at me but oh well. he knows rick and i have sex. he knows how he feels about me and he knows i could care less about anything he says. it's not like i'm writting this entry on "HIS COMPUTER"..."YOU CAN NEVER USE MY COMPUTER AGAIN. YOU WRITE THE NASTIEST STUFF ON THERE." please tell me of one entry i've writtin that has been riskay. :] please. copy and paste it in a comment. you can't do it. i've never talked about sex i've never talked about details. i've never even hinted to it on here. the only thing i ever wrote on my MYSPACE was in my general intrest section: i love laying with rick.

and my step dad flipped out.
whatever.

this saturday is going to be amazing; rain or shine. we get to go up to his camp and stay the night alone. it's also going to be our four month♥ i'm so excited because it's technically going to be the longest relationship i've ever been in. yeah matt lemieux and i were together for "six" months but we broke up like three times during it. we even stated things like, "lets just start all over"

even though rick and i fought about real horrible things in the past we never broke up. we said "it's over" but then we'd just work it out you know? it was never official that we'd never be with eachother again. that's another reason why i love him. no matter what we can always work things out and i wouldn't want anyone else, EVER!

tonight:
go home
finish towels
shower
wait for rick
maybe go to boney joes i doubt it
show
saturday:
wake up
shower
pack
rick comes to pick me up
if i didn't go to boney joes...
I WILL GO TODAY
-_-
you hear me rick. i will
go saturday

dude mr. k is so gay!
like every period he comes on the p.a system stating that all students have to be in their class rooms and if teachers have free time to go out and make sure no ones out there...and if they are to get them to class. he's soooOoo scared of kids!
haha

anyways i heard that kids are brining beach balls to graduation:]
we'd all get in trouble because you KNOW everyone will be playing with them. if ONE person thows one in :] :] :] not one person is going to just stand there like ::beach ball hits their head:: -_-
you know?!?! cuz we're the class of '06 !!!

rick baby i love you with all my heart
always and forever

Thu, 25 May 2006 13:31:51 GMT

i have to be out by the 15th of june; no later.
i don't know where i'm going to go yet and that sucks.
mom said i need to tell dad to start sending the checks in my name
or if she gets anymore she's ripping them up.
i asked her about any birthday money that i didn't get after i went to live with kari.
she said,"nope i certaintly don't need ur money." and i thought to myself,"well you sure did need dad's money."

anyways.
yesturday was pretty nice.
rick picked me up and we ran some errands.
i'm going to be getting a tattoo.
i sent in $80.00 to the court to make a payment
and i'll keep making payments.
i hope i get another job soon;
i'd love to work with rick and it would be real helpful.
rick and i talked about money and things i've found out; how much i'd be making a year.
haha. it's a shame that i'm not even out of highschool yet and i'm already having to think about how much i'll be making and having to worry about how i'm going to make a living.

parents are lame.
i wrote my creative writting essay, for finals, on how gay my parents are.
everyone totally disagrees with what they're doing. like i'm being completely honest with ppl. like i tell them the things i've done and how i've hurt my parents. the things i haven't done and the things i've said. but still people think that my parents are crazy for doing what they're doing. i talked to my manager at work, tony and he acutally asked me why it is that parents these days think that kicking their kids out of the house teaches them a lesson? he said that he knows a bunch of ppl that that's happend to and they ended up being the nightmare their parents never wanted them to be. that's sad yet true. what do you think is going to happen to more than 50% of us? the world is harsh and crazy these days.

spider helped on.
"one things for sure i wouldn't want anything like that up inside me."
-points to kotex maxi pads.
the "box" had a sharp red flower on it; honestly it did look deadly.

um all we had to do for this final in graphic arts was clean out our draws and delete all our computer files.

♥ yes

anyways today should* be relaxing.
mom gave me $130.00 and i have $9.00 left in my account
since i made a payment yesturday. i hope i get money for graduation
lots of it because all that i get i'm putting towards my court fines...
UNLESS i get another job cuz then i can just use that money and actually
use MY graduation money for me like most normal teens get to do.
but then again i'm not "normal" to my parents. i'm like the worst kid ever

this entry is long and boring. nothing good. i took some pictures yestuday; of the kotex rick pointed to and the spider that held on to the truck door for like...probably years.

looking for:
hammock
tattoo
money
job
car
money
money
some money
and
pawn shop
for money
:]
ha
i'm amazing

rick i love you baby. i hope you did well on all your finals.
TOMORROW IS MY LAST DAY!

i found that on some website and i though it was halarious

IMPORTANT
i seriously hate myself
i hate everything about me
i just like picked at rick for the stupidest thing
i'm actually kinda scared right now because...
ever since i've been taking my birth control i've noticed i've been like
10x more over dramatic and lashing out at ppl. like calling my mom a fucking idiot the other night.
there was no need for that.
the one time in ricks car ; eye
and like today. his chest
also...um
i think i am like..."seeing things"
like
even tho rick went to art after saying bye to me
for some reason while i was looking @ my face i got in my head
"he went to take down more trash with lee..."
but he never had time to go to the art room
back to catch up with lee
then walk with him @ the same time back to art
seriously i'm not taking it anymore.
like i literally believed that he went with lee
then i heard a group of guys
keys
and ricks laugh
i accused him of something completely gay

yeah he doesn't have to yell
and he does a lot :you know you do...
but like
i do* feel different about myself.
no denying ever since i took my medication
i've been down on myself everyday
i feel sick all the time
i haven't been eatting
and when i do i get sick
my face is peeling off
i've been a TOTAL bitch
flipping out about the stupidest shit
it's got to stop.
i'm not taking it anymore.
it's not a big deal. i'll talk to my doctor and
tell her again my situation.
rick and i are always carefull and we're always checking.
if anything were to happen there is always like the morning after pill
which i have ways of getting.
so it's technically okay.

saturday is four months

i'm sorry for being so god damn annoying and bitchy.
we'll see what happends like...after i stop taking it.
i noticed that like... the day i didn't take it b/c of mom
like...i was extremly happy and like everything was fine

somethings up.
but i'm not blamming everything on my pill
but you can't deny i haven't been A LOT different lately.

i love you rick

real quick

Sun, 21 May 2006 18:28:55 GMT

ruthaford!

miccy d

baby and i had a great weekend!
i love you so much baby and i'm glad...
everything is okay

we went and had a yard sale.
i earned 45 dollars.
we went to on the boarder and ate
it was really good!!
then we went MINI GOLFING!!!
:]
I ALWAYS WIN!
♥
<3
i love you so much baby.
anything you need just let me know.
u mean everything to me!

news

Fri, 19 May 2006 14:25:50 GMT

burp

mighty throne

mr. imma kickyerass

some of those pictures are from driving home and some are from my last 7/22 gathering :[ i always have the best times with ricky♥
tonight we're going out to eat and going to see a movie :] the davinci code. i heard it's horrible and i don't want to really see it. especially if people are saying it's stupid and hard to understand. i'd rather go find a theater that's still playing silent hill

kari and i always have silly times. after presenting yesturday her mom picked us up and gave us baggies of goodies from baldingers. i've still never been there myself.

i'd love to see what it's like!!
i miss kari lots and hopefully i'll get to spend time with her again soon♥

ricky i love you so much baby.
eight more days and it's going to be four months!
the longest relationship i've had since i've lived here:]
you make me so happy
♥
i love youuuuuuuuu
tonight will be fun baby.
you're the best thing to ever happen to me

:|

Tue, 16 May 2006 14:04:38 GMT

so i'm walking down the hall and i hear big ben say,"smith listen dude this is what we're doing thursday. we're jammin' eatting fatburger, then shootin' stuff." alright. well i thought rick was just going to jam but apparently he can't tell me the complete truth and even if he didn't know about it which he never does whatever. i don't have to work thursday so i mean i'm going to be at home all alone with nothing to do. blah.

anyways i did my speech again today and i made time. i know what i have to do to make time :] awesome. i was in such a good mood yesturday and then all that shit happend at home. apparently i'm being forced to virginia but i am not going. i want to get another job while i'm up here and i want to stay up here. i don't want to see my dad til later on in the year because i have so much to do. i still have to work to pay the school back and i still have a cell phone. if i graduate i'm using my money to pay off my cell phone bill and get it shut off. that's just money being used when i could use it on rick and i. i'm not going!

whatever. i hate:

livejournal
katie christo
not being tan
my body :]
haha

i love ricccccccccck ♥
lots
i'm going to go around the room and watch everyones videos
you know. the ones that i didn't do.
♥
rick i love you so much baby.
i love all my new clothes

i think i'm in a good mood today too. actually i am. i just realized. rick needs time with his friends. so what if i don't have work. i get to see him wednesday after school and during my last youth group :]
then hopefully friday and saturday. i think i may just let him go to his lazer storm thing alone. he needs to spend time with "j" haha :] good lucky baby ♥

nothing shady, please. i'm trusting u

say what say what

Mon, 15 May 2006 14:32:07 GMT

SHOPPING TODAY!

yes! i finally get to go clothes shopping for summer clothes and the best part is it's going to make me extremely happy because it's crappy out :] new clothes on a shitty day; am.azing! so yesturday was pretty shitty. it was mothers day so i hung out at the house all day. rick's car is in the shop now, he better get his brakes fixed or i will no longer drive around with him -_- i don't want to die. i already feel like i will just because he drives like shit haha. "i kid. i kid dirty boy"

last night was a trip -_- he felt like he was going to have a heart attack. i felt like i was going to through up again. and again. and again. sometimes it just sucks but i'm always willing to work through it. ♥

dion is sleeping.

like always.

so how about every morning i spend all my time doing my eye make up and all it looks like today is just plain black. -_- i look through magazines for a reason but nothing good ever comes out of it. i'm ugly i know. i don't need to hear other people tell me i am. i know i hate everything about myself. i want to feel good about myself at all times but it's never going to happen. i just hope that today; getting new outfits helps out. atleast [i hope] they'll make me feel a little bit better about myself.

rick looks so cute today! his hair is perfect his face looks nice; not "dried out". i never really think it looks like that anyways. but he just looks so damn good :] i think he's the most beautiful man alive. seriously. always and forever♥
i'm willing to work through anything, i promise. i did promise, and i've been willing and ready to work through it all.

i take off my flip flops in every class♥
i'm really hungy because i didn't pack myself snacks today.
i wanted to save my money to go tanning again but i don't know
i'm so damn hungry! O_o

"she's so gross then i saw her thong, meh -_- BLEH O_o"
haha
♥
xoxoxo

kennyworld and beyond..

Sun, 14 May 2006 19:21:11 GMT

so pretty much my weekend kicked ass. rick and i got up early again friday since there was no school and we headed out to kennywood! first we went to his grandmothers and got some more free gas for the trip and picked up some more faygo; like always. then we stopped sorgels and visited the sheepies and the ass. also we saw tubby and his friend and some billy goats! we petted them and watched out for the poop then we went inside the gift shop. i bought my father some burts bee's because it made me think about him, and i miss him a lot. then he bought some apple tree oil spray; smells am.azing. then we saw the ducks and the baby eggs! it was so cute. we also watched a bird with stuffing in his mouth fly to his nest. then we went inside and i got a gobb and ricky got some what we thought looked awesome coffee, but it really wasn't.

then off to kennywood! i had so much fun while i was there. the weather was dreary, yeah it was really cold at some times but it was so worth it. rick and i played some arcade games. some old ones that were taken off the market for many reasons; haha. then we rode the jackrabbit first! it was so much fun! then we took off and rode a bunch of other rides i never thought i would ride; only for the fact that my stomach was already upset. we wrode the pit fall and the king kahuna. we did noah's arch aka the walking ride of hell. -_- i still mean to kick your ass for that one rick. then i got the nads to ride the aero something or another. that one really got to me. then rick and i got a lemonade and played some more arcade games and then we left.

the ride there was so much fun :] good thing i'm the smart one in the relationship lol! getting back home took no time at all. i love rick so much. he's always taking care of me and doing so much for me. he's honestly the greatest boyfriend i've ever had.i wouldn't wish for anything else♥

saturday we went to dotty's and picked up some stuff because she's moving :[ then we went tanning!!! i'm so fucking amazed that my boyfriend enjoyed going tanning with me. wow ♥ then we just went back to his house and layed in bed and watched lion king. smolka called :| said some things i didn't like and then i went home. i had to babysit at 6:00; blah. oh and amazingly enough shady ass dals called rick and left a message on his voice mail. so i called her and nicely asked what was up with it and she denied it. she said she never called and that she hates him. meanwhile rick's got a voice mail and she even called his house phone so we got that on there too. whatever. she didn't have to lie. THEN she calls us in the middle of the night, having jeff sing some dumb ass song on my voice mail. whatever. some people need to get a life.

today is mothers day. i called my grandma wolfe and my dad and step mom in virginia. i feel so much better that i did that. ♥
first thing i did when i woke up was give mom a hug and wish her a happy mothers day. i'm making dinner for everyone tonight. momma just got home, she picked up some on the boarder food!!! it made me think of rick even more. see everything i do i think of rick. i can't do anything :]♥ hehe. anyways that's enough for now. i'm glad i didn't go to prom this year. too much going on.

i hope i graduate.
ricky i love you so much baby:]
today would of been the coheed show
xoxoxoxo

shit head.

Thu, 11 May 2006 14:13:49 GMT

my allergies are so bad today; yuck. ricky says he likes the way i look in his iron maiden shirt. he always says i look good in it; suck up. i hope it doesn't rain tomorrow, we're planning on going to kennyworld. everyone is working on their chs video's. that reminds me. i talked to mrs. hoss yesturday and asides from the fact that i passed my pssa's, i only have to pass economics and english; amazing. i'm really lucky that i came into twelefth grade with almost enough credits to graduate. that was really helpful and a big thanks to my parents for that. they got me into actual classes during my first few years of highschool that were worth whole credits instead of half credits.

there isn't any channel one today. we have this fiesta in the auditorium today from 1:30 til 2:29; some challenge 2005 thing, am.azing.
NO SCHOOL TOMORROW

that picture makes me so excited.

so like i said kennyworld. i spit on ricks misfits skull in the drive way yesturday three times. haha. i also spit on my water ride one too. when i came into chs today i found a roll of smarties still wrapped up; ate it. it's gone. in my tummy. where it belongs. ah! i want to play monopoly friday or saturday, okay ricky? i love you so much and i always have the best times with you! i don't think there has been a time where we went out or stayed in and didn't have a great time ♥

ooh oooh. dion just fell asleep again. he had seriously eight snack packs of scooby snacks! i still have one more gatorade left and that's it. some sausa left over; if we have a cool lunch that i can use it on, i will!

i think i smell really bad today, i'm not sure though. everytime i go up to rick he's like, "do i smell bad?" and i tell him no. but like right now i smell it too. i think it's just my feet. these shoes are so old and gross. like i never wore them much. i skated in them like three times so they aren't torn up but i did play in water some two summers ago in them. so i think.... :]....my bad! haha.
yeah rick. i stink

i need to go summer clothes shopping and soon! oh crap i just rememberd that i have to work tonight; 5-9. they called me yesturday while i was with rick and tony was like, "you want to pick up more hours tomorow?" and i was all excited like, "yeah of course!" and tony's like, "alight 5-9!" and um that's when i always work. wow. i really need to find me that new job! for real! it's going to have to be a resturaunt!

my hair is getting longer and i'm getting so excited! it's the length it was last year when i dated rick, maybe a little longer. so after summer it's going to be down past my sholders! ahhh i'm so happy!

ricky i love you so much. i hope you enjoyed the snacks this morning. we're always picnicin' in the halls :] xoxox you're the best baby, always and forever. thanks for yesturday!

favies

Wed, 10 May 2006 14:29:48 GMT

this is my favorite layout yet. dion is sleeping beside me. he's sprawled out on two chairs and mrs. marks never says a word to him about it. i'm over here eating bar b q chips and doritos and drinking a cascade crash gatorade.

so i was thinking...i don't think i'll be able to pass spanish, it's really hard this year. i always used to pass spanish with flying colors but this year i just don't think the teacher is that great. anyways so i guess that means i'm going to try a little harder in chs. i'm going to talk to mrs. marks during channel one and see if there is anyway i can pass this class, then do what i can.

i'm nervous about my test results from yesturdays PSSA's. i knew everything before i went in but as soon as i started i began to worry and think everything i was doing was wrong; what i usually do. please keep your fingers crossed for me.

rick and i have been fighting a lot lately and i don't know why. like, i know that it's because we both open our big mouths but like...i don't know. he always says, "i have the right to ask you whatever i want whenever i want." so i totally understand that and i always give a simple nice answer to his questions but yes sometimes i get moody because he asks the same things over and over again, like he doesn't believe me. but then there are times, most of the time, where i'll ask rick questions because things are questionable and he'll flip out on me; when i always give him calm answers. it just really upsets me and i can't take it sometimes. we just walked away from eachother before third period. didn't say i love you and didn't say goodbye. we just simply walked away. it kinda hurt but once i got into class i felt better. i know i'm right. i know it's not fair that he can ask me things and i'm fine with it, until it's asked over and over again. but when i ask him things it's always, "uggggh no brittany. i did not!!!" a simple yes or no will suffice.

i really hope we can get to kennywood this weekend. maybe we just need some goof time to ourselves. like running around and screaming; let it all out

i hope so.

well at this point dion is snoring and hasn't woken himself up from it yet. rick has to go to room 223 during channel one; have fun with cognitive tutor darling. ha. i hated that crap last year and i hated that teacher. she's so fake and so retarded, literally. she never helps anyone. i remember asking, "how do you do this?" and she'd say, "well you have to find out what b is first." then she'd walk away. yes i know you have to find b first, but how do you do that? how do you do anything in this class?

i just turned around and mike vecchio was wispering, "britt why are you sitting all the way over here?" and i said, "because katie's a bitch." and he's like, "you just noticed that now?" ha. she thinks that no one hates her, just like mira. she thinks that she's like superior. she's always like, "i don't care what people say about me." meanwhile i've seen katie cry before because of what paul was saying about her. whatever. ~~liar~~ ugly fat big bird looking liar.
i know not everyone likes me, that's just a fact of life, i learned it early on when my father taught me. i'm used to it. you can't please everyone and honestly i don't want to take up my time trying to do so. like people like katie and mira do. i have a better life than talking shit on people. when i go to hang out with rick i don't go over and talk about others. i go there to have fun with the person i love and not worry about other dumb, obviously gay people. meanwhile katie goes to school and sits down beside a girl and just talk talk talk talk talks all about me and how gay i am. how gay i am?!? no darling you've got it wrong. you're the one sitting over there bringing an issue up in school that doesn't involve anyone else. that is gay.

omgf!
my step father just texted me and said this:
congrats! you passed the mathmatics test!

omg omg omg omg
i am so happy right now that my face is red! i turned around and smiled at everyone but they didn't notice me. lol. that's okay with me though because i passed! omg yes! in your face katie. "you're going to fall flat on your face." stupid bitch stupid bitch nah nah nah nah nah nah :]
okay. i'm ending this long as entry on that note! oh and also:

i love you ricky sheets

:]

Tue, 09 May 2006 14:17:31 GMT

i take my pssa test today, wish me luck.
rick has work today so that means i won't get to talk to him after school
@ all, til he gets home around 11:00.
i have work too but i'm going to try to call off because i'd get there late anyways
then have to worry about if i passed or not.
i'll call them after lunch.

i never feel pretty anymore.
i remember i told rick one time that if i
say that about myself that means that like
i've lied to him so i feel horrible about myself;
that's not it.
i just don't feel pretty anymore.
i really never have :[
like.
i hate my hair
my teeth
my nose
my skin
my lips
my eyes
my freckles
my fat legs
my toes
my knees
my ass
my chest
my chin
my cheeks
everthing

but rick:

i love you more than life itself and i always will
18 more days until our FOUR MONTH
god i've never been so happy.
i don't wanna be with anyone else
ever
:]
please don't worry nothing is wrong
except what i've told you
[over and over again]
-_- over and over and over again
lol
but its okay i want to reasure you
that i love you
and i still want to be with you
always
& forever
you complete me
PLEASE don't worry.
just because i'm down doesn't mean i don't love you
or that i love you any less.
that could never happen.
promise
you're my life and you've always been :]
cheer up bucko.
only ONE of us needs to be sad!

i love this song!
i got to let you listen to it baby!
haha it's like from the 50's or something
i can dance to it real sweet!!!
lol!!
i can't wait to see you after this period;
for some reason i bet i'll go to meet you and you'll still be meeting with mrs. hoss :[
lame as hell. i'll wait for you tho. i don't mind being late to lunch ♥

love you babe!!!!
ahhhhh
four months!

Mon, 08 May 2006 16:39:50 GMT

rick:

i'm in love with you;
so hold me closer
♥

love

Sun, 07 May 2006 15:04:54 GMT

i really don't want to be with anyone else ever
i want to be with rick forever
he means so much to me.

yesturday was amazing.
it was too cold to go to kennywood so here is what we did:

kountry kitchen!
to giant eagle for tickets
back to his house
slept for awhile
got up
ate
ate
ate
sidewalk chalk
KENNYWOOD!
then his mom said to wait
[good idea]
i wanna spend my first day there from morning til night
not just for a few hours
went to his granpa's house
got:
about 50$ worth of gas
chips
three cases of faygo!
leather pants
a tour of the yard
got to see moosey again
toys
the basment
then his paw gave him 50$
ross park
kelly's cajiun grille
cranberry for ice cream
then back to his house to cuddle til 11:00 :]
a perfectly cute day!!!
<3

they didn't give his purplesaurus eyes
so i put in some of my chocolate chips!

rick is a pig

pull a larry!

i'm the joker, says rick

my beautiful beautiful boyfriend
always and forever

i am in love with a boy. a boy so amazing. he's the only one that can fit into my life; right now. in the past. && in the future. i want no one else. we read eachother like open books. there is never a moment where we don't know what's going on or what's going to be said. he's the love of my life; he's beautiful. everything about him is stunning. even when we're together; when he turns away, i miss his face so much, for that split second. he's all i want. and all i'll ever need.

you've helped me through so much and i don't know where i'd be without you.
your kisses have not gotten old
the way i felt when you first hugged me still feels the same now.
when you reach for my hand i still get butterflies.
and the way you look @ me when we're all alone completes me.
i couldn't ask for anything more. ever.
it'll be four months soon & i can't wait :]
we've already beat last years time and i'm so excited.
i don't want this with anyone else.
i don't want what we could have with anyone else.
it's only you baby, always and forever.
there isn't a time that i'm not thinking about you.

i feel so comfortable with you.
in ur house.
i feel like i'm at home.
around your family.
i love them all
driving with you; it feels like we're together.
like we're older doing what married ppl do.
you take care of me so well and give me so much.
i couldn't be more thankful & i can't wait til i can do something for you.

when i walk through my halls i think of you and where you've walked.
when i sit in my floor i think about you admiring my new room and me drying your hair.
when i lay on my bed i can see you sitting next to me now.
when i go in to visit larry i see you watching me take him out.
and right now when i go in the bathroom i see your swimming trunks
laid out in my tub & i do nothing but smile and it makes me think;
our own house.
our things laying around :] i love you so much.
everytime i walk into moms room i see your facing lighting up and going
"THIS IS A NICE ROOM!"
then the kitchen. the bean dip :] haha i love you lil piggy.
you drinking all my pop and ur corndogs still in my freezer.
then the basment :]
video games. playing rampage :D haha it was so much fun cuddling with you
and hanging out. then. my first time in our hottub! i'm so glad i got to share it with you.
watching fletcher just stare & "look" at us.
i love you
i love everything about you
and everything i share with you.
i'll always remember times with you;
b/c they are the best EVER.
i love you richard george sheets<3

Fri, 05 May 2006 14:22:12 GMT

i love love love rick
and today is going to be am.azing!
:]
i'm so happy he gets to finally come over!
you better be happy sweetheart
this rarely happends!!
memories!
sidewalk chalk!
movies!
hot tub!
chilli dip!
rampage!
ahhh i love you
<3

what to do what to do

Thu, 04 May 2006 14:36:22 GMT

i really want to go to kennywood but i don't have any money. i know fer sure
that rick will be the first one to take me and we will have so much fun!
it sucks my parents won't give me any money.
last night scott told me he isn't going to pay my fine.
that i should ask about payments.
he said it after the fact that i didn't go to small group
at 7/22 but instead was with rick.
i mean. i told him
i hate smallgroup
yeah i know it was my last one but there is senior night;
i'm sure he's making me go to that.
i should though, you know? to show appreciation
to jean and jennifer for teaching me everything that they have
all these years:]

so hopefully tomorrow rick can come over.
if not he'll give me shit about it; i know this for a fact.
or he'll give me a bunch of smart ass remarks.
bleh.
um scott gave me 5$ for lunch today and tomorrow [5 for both days]
yesss
i hope it's chicken noodle soup again.
god school is so gay
you know what i desperatly want to do?
go back to his grandmothers house.
i loved loved loveeeed the basment!
all the decorations and all the faygo!
YEAH!
haha AH.MAZIING!
chs sucks.
after lunch i want to go to the guidance and call mom.
get that courts number :\

i want to go out to eat with rick real bad this weekend
and side walk chalk too!
i really hope it doesn't rain either!
blah i got to get working on this chs stuff.
ricky i love you more than life itself<3
always.
be nicer
lol
<3

the tutoring during 8th period is helping so much
that i'm actually excited!

fer real

Tue, 02 May 2006 18:51:30 GMT

katie i tell u not to do something
& u go and do it;
real smart
especially after what i've gone through.
then to get ur dirty friends on me
@ lunch and high five them?
lame
and fucking stupid.
i'm not getting into anymore fights
you can try.
come to my house
where my parents are around
or speak to me instead of going to one of my friends
[nicole]
and running ur mouth.
stupid as hell.
i start drama?
ur spreading it to ppl that shouldn't even be involved.
FUCKING RETARDED!
i've had enough of everyone @ this school.
kari & rick <3
that's it.
the occasional kristen stintzi
:]
& that's it.

if ppl just listened to me
we'd all get along
but you don't want to
so you're going to have to deal with my shit
:]
and katie.
if you reply to this in any way besides a comment;
via ur dirty friend maria, kevin, or anyone
we'll be in the guidance.
waisting my time that i could be using to graduate.
:]]]] laaame bitches :]]]]

kari
HIGH FIVES ARE OUTTA THIS WORLD

lmfao
katie ur face was so red @ ur table.
YOU couldn't say shit to me or about me
you had ALL ur ugly ass friends say it
sooo sad.

skin

Mon, 01 May 2006 16:26:54 GMT

so my skin is clearing up a lil mor :]
that's real good. atleast i didn't have to go to school like that
ya heard?
yesturday was good :] thanks rick.
i owe you seven bucks!
that's about it.
but
baby please try harder;
yesturday broke my heart
it's always over the stupidest shit
&& if you've lied to me in the past
i want to know, today.
i won't break up w/ you
but i would respect you on such
a higher level if you just came out and told me.
even if you've cheated.
i just hate being lied to.
please.

i love you with all my heart
always:]
u complete me

_for faygo from grandma
_seven dollars
_kennyworld
_kountry kitchen
_sidewalk chalk
_more of the cowboy dance
_lion king
_~~aladdin~~

i love you so much rick
always and forever

oh boyy!

Sat, 29 Apr 2006 02:05:44 GMT

i'm bored
and
i owe seneca valley 500$
for disorderly conduct.
laaaame.
show on sunday
maybe* hanging out with rick tomorrow too!!!!
and uh i miss kari.

s.o.b!

Thu, 27 Apr 2006 14:05:58 GMT

so i woke up this morning and uh..
MOM DIDN'T MAKE A TAPE OF MY SENIOR PROJECT!
does nobody know how important this shit is?!
im about to call her and see wtf is going on.
if i don't graduate they can't send me to V.A
cuz it would be their complete fault!
whatever! ::roar::
rick got a new shitty cell phone
which i will be looking at his phone book sunday
to see if he did what i know he'll do.
go around art asking for britt, dawn, carrie, and leah's number.
he already knows dals' by heart<3
how cute!
anyways
i'm serious...
if i don't see u trying
or fighting
it's over.
i love you;
but it will be over.
all that we've shared the past two years
will vanish and it will be because
you didn't want it.

i can't wait to see you sunday
and hold you again.
i do love you with all my heart.
u are my one and only. always.
if today works out with senior project i really
would feel like things could get so much better.

im gunna go make my portfolio look nice
and then possibly take a shower.
i got sick again this morning cuz i didn't eat anything
like....all day.
i had a chicken pot pie!
lol i remember i used to call them
chicken_pop_eyes!
you know; like the cartoon_pop eye!
lol damn i was a retarded child
coupons were cupe-ed-ons
brother was butter
thumb was dumb
"what r u doin back there britt?"
"suckin my dumb"
-_-
yeah. momma said it was so.
idiot!
lol
well im out for now.

ricky,
love me forever<3

once again

Wed, 26 Apr 2006 19:51:51 GMT

once again i give up everything.
i'm so emotional.
i haven't eaten all day.
i had 2 yoohoo's and some cold broccolli and
carrots.
after talking to rick on the phone after school;
him just not grasping what i have to deal with,
i got really sick & threw up.
today is a really bad day.
he says he wants to think about what i'm saying b/c
he really wants to know what he's doing wrong.
but i told him.
he can't just adopt what he needs to make things better.
what he needs is absolute trust & that's something
he's NEVER had with me.
this year or last.
maybe it's just me?
maybe i suck so bad?
but no.
this time im sticking up for myself.
it isn't me.
b/c this time i've done nothing wrong.
i've been 100% honest since everything.
the ONLY time i question rick
is after he interogates me; literally.
like he'll flip on me
so i'll do it to him...
only to see if he grasps what i have to deal with...
and i guess just plain and simple:
he doesn't understand.
i'm done doing all i can.
i love him to death
and i always will.
i want to be with him forever.
but right now
it's his time to fight for me
b/c one more outburst
one more session of his yelling
cussins
and assuming...
and i'm literally done.
it's taken a toll on me
that everyone can see
except him
i can't eat
i can't sleep
[oops i shouldn't say i can't sleep
he'll think that means i've been on the
phone all night with roy, andrew, or mike]
-_-
see!?!
i don't feel like showering
i don't feel like moving
or even breathing sometimes.
my heart breaks
SERIOUSLY
everytime he pulls shit like this.
i cry so much.

but see
he'll read this and say these exact words:
why don't you break up with me?

because like i said a million times
and honestly meant
i love you richard george sheets!!!
always.

_goodbye for now

Wed, 26 Apr 2006 17:57:24 GMT

i want to b with u forever.
but is it something u really want.
something u want to fight for.
something u'd die for;
like i would?

i love you, endlessly

Wed, 26 Apr 2006 13:58:32 GMT

STOP QUESTIONING ME!!
i've had enough!!
omfg!
i can't help that some ugly ass kid isn't in school today.
i told u what happend last night
me being honest just isn't enough anymore.
i'm so upset right now!
i've been up for and hour and a half
before i had to take my pill
& my stomac is fucking killing me
& so are you!
FUCKING CHRIST!
you said three nights ago that you
KNEW you're an asshole sometimes
and that you're sorry
you'll work on it
MY ASS RICK!
i can't take it anymore.
all i was doing was SLEEPING
and you have the never to call me
and cuss at me
wake me up with ur bull shit
i told you i would tell you if he called
he didn't
and as far as him hanging out with me
HOW FUCKING DARE YOU!
you know i'm not allowed out at all
god i just can't take it anymore.
i can't even be honest!!!
1. he's ugly
2. my parents met him at military ball in 9th grade and hate him
& think he's so ugly
seriously
i hate roy!
that's* why i haven't talked to him since 10th grade.
i told you.
i tell you constantly
the truth
but that doesn't even seem to matter anymore.
you're worked up?!?
i have to deal with your shit.
you assuming i'm going 2 hang out with some ugly ass
freak!!!
i can't take it!
god.
and like your car isn't questionable!?!?!
SEX?!
and hand prints EVERYWHERE
when you say you don't hang out with anyone?!
i fucking came out and open about the whole roy thing.
sorry i was honest!!!
really.
fine
be worked up about it.
i'll be at home
showering. working on my speech for snr prjct
and getting ready for youth group
[which scott said he'd give you a fucking ride]
seriously.
i'm so pissed
that you can sit and tell me ur sorry for being an ass
then the next day do the same damn thing.
ur not working on anything
FUCK!!!!!
i love you.
i love you so much.
i love you more than life itself.
and you know what. i hope you feel horrible
for waking me up
yelling and cussing in my ear.
i didn't do jack shit.
and that's what i deserve?!
you saying u'll call b4 u leave
& not?
then calling from school.
i hope ur weren't infront of ur friends
yelling @ me like that.
i hope you feel like shit for doing that
if they WERE around.
that's fucking stupid!

i've done the best i could since everything happend
and i get NO credit.
it's killing me!
call me @ lunch.
after u read this
hopefully.

i love you.
please stop this madness.
it's seriously killing me rick.
ur killing me.